I get a new place. Ash looks totes fugly - ugh - I mean tired in this one. Wardrobe provided by Donn...

My bodyguard is responsible for everything related to my body, including moving the stuff I surround...

Got legit sick filming this. Didn’t sleep for 48 hrs. Not cuz of drugs, you haters, b/c I’m an effin...

I consider getting a baby. At least I think that’s what happens. It’s been a while since I read the...

Bodyguard flat out refuses to be my daddy baby, so I flat out threaten to steal his sperm.

I’m tired of waiting around for that special someone to have a baby for me.

I learn never to drive drunk. Especially when driving a blimp.

I know to get emotional when the piano music kicks in.

I get acting lessons from the Academy Award-winning creep-o.

I decide to get a cat rather than have a baby because it’s more expensive.

I’m going back to college to get my The Bachelor degree.

Can I have an extension on that paper I have to write? I have to learn how to write.

I ended up getting an “F” for “F”-ort.

It’s just a little crush and I throw up a little every time they touch.

But Ashley doesn’t have nipple hair!

Quiet, Evil Dragon, I’m trying to write a description!

A date with Zac Efron? Zac Ef yes!

Is this about all those blimps I crashed? Because I keep telling you guys, I don’t care.

Do you feel lucky, Bodyguard? Are you a Luckyguard?

OMG you guys! I’m back! Did you miss me?

Comet is back! Thank you, science!

Cheating is so hard! I need to learn how to cheat at it.

Amir guest stars as Mary-Kate’s Godfather.

Tricking is less calorific than treating.

Phil Hoffman’s scariest as himself.

My dog ate this video description.

The best presentation in the history of history class.

Learning to drive is as easy as eating pie. It’s very hard.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way too talkative.

Bodyguard’s in his birthday suit.

Bodyguard gets a pink slip. Oooooh, pink!

One girl’s trash is another girl’s bodyguard.

A face that only her sister could love.

Rub-a-dub-dub, Ashley wants some love.

I put my Louisiana Purchase on my Amex.

Bodyguard and Professor go head-to-fat-head.

Ashley won’t take gross for an answer.

It’s not bulimia when you haven’t eaten.

Mary-Kate gets D and dirty with G almighty.

The lord is my shepherd, but lambswool makes me itchy.

Deserts are even scarier than desserts.

Mary-Kate tweets her way to safety.

Is a gold rush when Tiffany’s has a sale?

Always present on an empty stomach.

I can’t raise my hand. I’m allergic to effort.

Magazines are sooo heavy. Especially the ones with pictures of fat people.

Can’t sleep? Count sheepskin boots.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house… I was shuffling around chain smoking and...

War – what is it good for? Cute uniforms.

She’s a rock star of David.

It’s freezing cold under all these layers.

Sing along! Actually no, just find my phone.

Start the morning with a gallon of joe.

It’s always the bodyguard you least suspect.

I fought the law and the law was a jerk face.

Is this the duckface of a criminal?

Mary-Kate deals with life in the slammer.

Mary-Kate loves shiny appliances! And by that she means sweaty laborers.

Mary-Kate and Bodyguard may have effed up and effed.

Butler stays abreast of Maggie Smith’s love life.

Mary-Kate goes to sleep to the soothing sounds of a yelling professor.

Mary-Kate sabotages Professor in front of the school board.

First one to fall asleep gets a hand in warm Pellegrino.

Take once per day with a picture of food.

Mary-Kate’s cat meows out against drugs.

Mary-Kate challenges Bodyguard to some 1am Pictionary.

When Maggie Smith’s teacup goes handle-less, everyone’s a suspect.

Mary-Kate gets lost indoors and has to crack out her survival skills.

Mary-Kate’s nail art should hang in a museum.

Mary-Kate makes a French connection.

Mary-Kate is torn between her muscleman and her Frenchman.

The Oscar creeper sabotages Mary-Kate and Sarkozy’s date.

Who wants daiquiris??? #nofilter

Mary-Kate writes her teacher evaluations, and Fat Professor forms a rebuttal.

Mary-Kate and Jewish-Looking Girl trip into friendship.

Mary-Kate needs help with a homework assignment, and enlists the help of everyone she knows.

Mary-Kate creates her own drinking game, and quickly gets sick of it.

Bodyguard and Mary-Kate’s relationship takes a turn for the staticky.

Mary-Kate gives a presentation about the Wig Party.